Hi, my name is Michal. I’m from Poland. I’m thirty years old, kind of. And, yes… I live in London for five… Five years. I hate London. I really hate London. When I was a child I had two dreams: to have a iPhone and to live in London. Now I hate both. Thank you. It’s kind of like when you come to London, you don’t have a choice, you know, because London have a choice for you. And London can easily destroy you with loneliness, with everything. So, yeah. It’s so difficult to live in London. You have to be really strong person. Not independent, strong.

My home is… Is a good question, actually. Because, I don’t have parents. I do have parents but they kind of don’t exist for me and I don’t exist for them. A few weeks ago, I – before Christmas – I tried to speak to my Mum and she said to me I’m dead to their, to her. So, yeah. My parents are kind of difficult. That’s fine. We all have troubles. So…

When I, when I was a child I never felt safe. I never felt like home’s a home, but when I came here and when I met Steve, when I met José and we spent Christmas together, my birthday, every single time when we spent together… It actually makes, like, it makes like a home. I never felt like a home before. And it was crazy. I was... I didn’t realise what home actually means until I came here. So, yeah. When it comes to home you need to feel very secure, you need to feel very comfortable. You need to feel safe. That is the first thing. Very safe. When you come back to home you need to feel like, yes.

Yes. There’s a place where I am at the moment. I have really good friends. I have really good life now. And... and I look absolutely gorgeous. No, it’s not about that. It’s that… I love my life now. I really do and I have a really good friend who is Steve and I can always count on him. I have really good friend Jose, he’s amazing person. I have amazing friends and I have a good job, I have a nice life, so... And Tomas! Oh gosh, I love Tomas, my dog. Oh, he’s amazing! He’s like 11 years old but he’s like an old and grumpy man. I’m not even joking, he’s like, when I say to him: “Tomas, let’s go,” he’s like: ‘Hm, no. What are you talking about? No.’ So, yeah. Tomas is, Tomas is amazing. I love Tomas.

It’s different. It feels really good. It feels like valuable, you mean something, you’re part of someone’s life. You feel like, yes: place. Let’s do it. You feel like you wanna wake up next day and do something. You feel like, next, every single day I create a plan for myself. Which is, you know, tomorrow I’m going to wake up, oh, I need to walk with the dog. I need to go to work. And then after work I’m going to spend time with Jose, I’m gonna spend time with Steve and even though I hate them – it’s not that, actually, it’s not that thing that I hate them – it’s kind of like a hate/love, you know? It’s like having a child. I’m sorry, it’s just, it’s like having a child. You hate this child but love him so much you would actually die for him. You know? So, so yes. It’s like, it’s that feeling you’re really looking forward for it, but when you come home and you’re so tired and you’re like and it’s like: ‘… oh god, just eat shit and die.’ But you want, but you really, you were looking for that. So, yeah.

So, I didn’t have like ‘… oh, wow, bow-wows, let’s celebrate because you’re HIV-positive!’ Crack the champagne and… I didn’t have that, I, but I remember a moment when I was a little bit tipsy, hashtag drunk-as-fuck… And I message to my sister. We didn’t speak to each other for years, when my brother died I decide to message my sister and we, we didn’t have like absolute gorgeous beginning, like, you know, happy-ever-after, we had, kind of, like, harsh beginning and we spend time together and, yeah… So I messaged to my sister and I said I have to tell you something and it’s kind of killing me and I’m a little bit tipsy, hashtag drunk-as-fuck, yeah. And she said: “What is it about?” And I said to her... You know what, because the point, the whole point was she wanted me to visit her. I’m from Poland and in Poland we have like 1960 the country full of cows, cabbage and vodka, clearly, and they know nothing about gay people, they know nothing about, like, HIV, and I thought my sister she wouldn’t understand so she wanted me to visit her and I didn’t want to go because, you know, deep inside I knew there was something wrong with me and that something wrong is my HIV status. And… So, I said to her I cannot visit her, “I cannot visit you because I am HIV-positive,” and her reaction was absolutely cool, absolutely amazing like outstanding gorgeous. She said to me: “Are you okay?” What? It’s like, what? And then it’s like: “Yeah… I take tablets.” And she said: “So you’re undetectable?” And I was like: “Whaaaaat? Girl!” And she said: “Yes, so you can come now.” It’s like, um, oh god, seriously? Girl. Yeah, so. She knew, she knew better than me. Hm, girl. Yes. She was amazing when it comes to that. We are very close to each other, that is the only family I have… Which is good, which is good when it comes to Christmas. Which is absolutely amazing when it comes to Christmas because, you know, I haven’t only one sister, I don’t have parents, my brother died so I have only one sister. So when I go to Selfridge’s and I say this is for my sister… yeah go for it. Yeah, she’s absolutely gorgeous. She’s a mother of, she’s a mother of two lovely kids and she’s got an absolutely amazing husband and as a mother with no parents she’s doing absolutely great. She’s doing amazingly great. No, but I mean like the relationship with your sister’s close because it’s… I have a very close relationship with my sister and it gives me a lot. She’s the one that I call when I’m really down and low. When it comes to that point we are not on a completely different level. So, I wouldn’t speak to her. So, she doesn’t want to open up herself. She’s not private, she’s absolutely closed… person. She doesn’t talk about feelings at all. I know, she needs a therapist. She’s a bit like Bridget Jones or something. (sings) “All by myself.” Yeah, I know. Yeah, she doesn’t want to talk about feelings at all, no, no. Not even for a second, not even for a split-second. And I know why. She’s doing it for kids. Because she’s trying to do best for her kids. And she doesn’t want to have a child who, who like, to have to protect her kids like we had. Horrible. With no Santa. Santa, who is that?

My whole life changed, actually. My whole life changed because, I remember that day and that was horrible day. I am… I’m usually very private person and there is two parts of me, yes? Which is I know what is the difference between personal and private life. My personal life is outside of the door. My private life it’s inside the door. So when I was diagnosed I tried to keep calm as much as possible… And when a doctor say you are HIV-positive I was: ‘… okay, that’s fine.’ Deep inside me, I knew I wanna cry, I wanna scream, and… And I wanna hug, you know? It’s kinda like, yeah, so yeah, so… I was kind of devastated, but I didn’t want people to notice and, erm, yeah. When I left after a few hours and lots of blood tests and everything, I felt like everything is in a slow-motion. I hate it. I hate it. I felt slow-motion in my life but I decided to walk to home. And so I walked. And when I get home, I, I didn’t say anything. I just went to bed. I watch movie, but sooner or later I knew I’m going to explode. And I did, eventually. In the worst possible way. Yep. So, I explode with my ex-partner which. He didn’t do anything, I just explode for no reason. It’s like, yeah… but I didn’t want to talk about for a while. But, yeah, for a while. And still some kind of like a part of my life I don’t feel really comfortable with it. It’s just because I feel like people would judge me every single time when I actually do it. When I say it, it’s like, a) I’m HIV-positive, it’s not like some status on Facebook you want to do, it’s like, you know. I’m single, in relationship, I’m complicated, I’m HIV-positive. So, you don’t want to change status on Facebook for erm… Because you know deep inside you people will judge you. It’s exactly the same like, you say I’m gay, people say: “Oh, such fun, yay, wow, WOW, you’re gay! Let’s bring high heels!” No, it doesn’t work like this. It’s, when you’re gay and when you’re HIV-positive you’re absolutely grounded and you lost it, so, yeah.

I, when it comes to me, I try to keep my life as private as possible so this interview today is massive thing for me. And, you knew, because before we start I say to you how anxious I feel. So, yes. So I try to keep as private as possible and, and when it comes to my friends I always don’t want to upset them. And I don’t want to upset myself, but there is nights when I, when I sit alone and when I cry thinking about: ‘Why me?’ You know? What have I done to deserve it? And yes, and, I didn’t say anything to, to my friends. I said to only like a few friends but not to everyone. I only said to like very close friends, yeah. It must be because when it comes to now, 2020, hello lockdown, and… Everything is about social life. It’s about Instagram, Facebook and, you know, Grinder, yeah, let’s hook up. It’s so... So if you want to speak to your friends now you need to message on Facebook, Messenger, What’s-App, Instagram, and you don’t want to do it. You just want to be you. You just wanna be like… You just want to feel like you’re valuable person and you actually exist. Yes. So… and carry on.

I didn’t have negative or positive reactions because I didn’t talk about it much. It’s just, it’s just because I’m from Poland and we are not very well-educated when it comes to HIV. We didn’t know a difference between HIV, AIDS, undetectable, use condom, don’t swallow or anything like that. We don’t, yes. So I didn’t think different. So when it comes to that point I felt like I have to be excluded. I have to stay away for a while. And even though that people, like, tried to explain to me, you didn’t have to, you’re on the tablets, you are undetectable. I didn’t know what means undetectable until actually I joined a group, yes, which is like I joined a group and I was like: “What are you talking about you gypsy-whore?” So, yes.

It was, it was something I need to have it in my life. Something that actually changed my life. Something like… [message alert] Sorry. Fucking phone. It was the Instagram, people! I think, like, I create some kind of, like, bubble protection which was good for me, which was absolutely, which protect me really good. And I think when you look good, when you present yourself very well people don’t ask about your feeling. People always say: “Oh my gosh, you look amazing! Oh my gosh, what cream did you use?” And it’s like, you know, people don’t ask about your feelings. That’s why, that’s why… That’s why you present yourself as a really good-looking person because you try to avoid feelings and try to avoid express your feelings. And… So, yeah. I didn’t feel excluded. I want to be excluded because I had no knowledge about HIV, being undetectable, or anything like that, so… And I didn’t want to talk about it.

What changed? When I joined the group I met a lot of lovely people. I’ve met people like me hashtag: yes. I… I didn’t feel different, I didn’t feel like: ‘Oh my gosh I don’t belong here.’ It was, it was a little bit like, I felt like: ‘… wow, I look like one of you.’ And I want to be a part of it. It was like, like that thing on the television, like Channel 4, Channel 4 is like ‘Deal or Not Deal’? Deal. Yeah, let’s go for it. So yes, I did it. And it felt extraordinary amazing. I had a really, really good time. For the first time in my life I actually had, I can honestly say I had fun. I did belong to something and I was part of something. Which was amazing, so… That feeling for the first time in my life actually was crushing. I felt like I was invited to a lovely party which is like a fucking country club. Yes. No, it, it’s… I felt really good. It was like a band of people with a nice sense of humour. I didn’t feel exclusive. And I really miss that, to be honest.

I remember my first day and… Don’t get me wrong, but every single time when it comes to me I try to find some kind of, like, what’s the name of it? Yeah, good gosh, I lost myself! When it comes to me I always try to find an excuse to not be a part of something, yes? So, when they say to me you can join to the group and you can be part of the group, I’m... and I say, I say to myself: “What a bunch of losers. No, I don’t want to go there. I look better than you. I’m absolutely gorgeous, just go, stay away from me!” And deep inside I knew I’m actually don’t want to go there and feel absolutely anxious. So I went there and we had some kind of, like, like questions, like introduce yourself and say when you were diagnosed. And it was like, oh, and when it came to me I was like: ‘No no no no no no, I wanna die, just like, no!’ So, my first day was really really bad. My anxiety was really, really high. I couldn’t even speak. So… But when we finished I kind of felt good, really good. And I was like, oh yes, let’s do it again. So next Saturday I came back and then my anxiety was, wasn’t that bad. It was actually good. I felt comfortable with myself. I introduced myself. I didn’t want to talk about my status so I said I don’t want to talk about it, but I said my name, for the first time. And… it felt really good. After that, they say they’re going to the restaurant to have some kind of dinner and drinks, but I said I don’t want to go. I wasn’t ready for that. I’m not. I didn’t feel ready for like weeks. So… After a few weeks I did.

I have imagination! Imagine a husband, three kids, and you know, future. But I have a nanny for them. No when it comes to… When it comes to safe space I don’t have…

I think I don’t have safe space. I still feel very unsecure. I would like to find a safe space for myself. I’m kind of like very fresh with that kind of thing. This is why we have this interview. This is my first interview ever. I would never do it before… I would like deadly never. You’re the first person that actually I do with some kind of…

I like to be on my own. I really like to be on my own. It’s just, it makes me feel safe, it me makes me feel good, it makes me feel like I don’t have anyone. I… Because when it comes to me, my brain doesn’t work with my mouth so I always say something before I actually think… So… So I don’t have a safe space yet and I’m kind of, like, old, so I should find that place. I’m only 21. Hashtag I’m-lying.

I’m like, like a bubble. I’m mixed of everything. I can be sad, I can be happy. I can be… It depends of the person to be honest. Depends who’s asking, to be honest. And, erm, yeah. I… I think because of my past I lost my future. I’ve spent years pretending someone who I’m not. And now I become a person I don’t know who I am. And I need a tissue!

I would love to say thank you. I would love to say thank you to you. I think the project actually you make is not about people, it’s also about you. And… And you’re fucking strong, you’re so fucking strong. And I thought I’m a strong and independent person but I nearly cried like five minutes ago, five seconds ago! But you’re so strong. You come into someone’s house, you interview this person and… You doing this amazingly well. So thank you. It makes me realise, actually, I have no idea who I am and I lost myself. Yeah. That’s fun. Yeah…