My name is Harun. I’m living in London. I’m from Turkey originally. And I’m living with HIV since 2016. I am working as a volunteer coordinator at Positively UK at the moment. And that’s me in a nutshell.

Home means safety and somewhere you can run away from everything and hide yourself and feel safe, secure and relaxed, you know? And you can, you can put everything in your home without even, you know, you can you can... You can have… Whatever you face outside you can bring it back to your home and then you can think on it and I always think that I have boxes at home that I put different things in it. Like if it’s an anger moment you put, you just think and put in a box, just… Like a little storage of feelings, you know? So that place is home for me.

Of course I’m going to quote from my favourite artist Dido, but, you know, I can’t, I can’t feel like I found a place that I call home because I really never stick around quite enough, long enough to make it. I moved a lot. When I was living in Turkey I moved from one city to another so that was, you know, changing houses, changing your environment, changing works, changes your move too. So… And then I… Five years ago I moved to the UK. Again, another adventure, another place you are looking for to call home. And just yet settled in the UK. So I really can’t feel like I’m at home, so far. But I’m getting there. Let’s say I’m getting there.

If you come to my home you would see lots of technology in my home. I won’t lie because I’m a big tech geek and my life turns around technology a lot. This is a good and bad thing, I won’t discuss this right now, but, I like to have this technology that making your life easy so my place would be quite a tech-geek place. Also, you would smell lots of food and, you know, cooking, because, well, I love food but who doesn’t though. I love cooking, I love food, so… I try to cook every day, almost every day and I really… Sometimes it’s a bit heavy but it just makes it home, you smell food, you know? I’m not talking about just sticky fish smell or something, you know, but, you know, kitchen… I also like the… I’m obsessed with those clean linen sprays or candles, you know, that feeling, ‘cause you know… You take a shower, you get into clean sheets and that smell is… I like to feel that all the time during the day so I use those sprays or candles a lot. My home place would look something like that… You would have lots of snacks and drinks, to be honest. Yeah, they’re, they’re always there around, in the kitchen, in the room, you know. You can always find a snack. That place would be home for me. And I won’t lie, I just… I love, I love shop- . I love, I did love shopping before pandemic, so my place was a huge kind of wardrobe because of shopping. But now I’m kind of trying to change my life in a different way and making my home much simpler place with less stuff, less clothes, less stuff around. Less furniture, you know? So that changed right now, so that’s what I would call my home if it was before.

Because I always lived alone but I never thought home was a place, was a really sacred place that I want to be alone. I always loved to have people around. I always love to have guests in my home with me, so, but with HIV, the HIV diagnosis I realised that actually sometimes I really need my space. So, the meaning of home changed a lot because to run away from those sometimes negative behaviour you face during the daytime, you just run back to home and you just shut everyone and everything out. So, it’s kinda a little cave you can run and you can hide or you can get ready for a battle, you know? And all your weaknesses, all your strength is at home. It’s just… It’s why home got this meaning for me. But before it was a place to sleep, it was a place to, you know, spend time, invite people over, but now it’s a place to share things about myself with myself. So, yes, it changed a lot.

Because I chose to be in the HIV-sector after my diagnosis it was my self-cure to myself. It was the only way to help myself, to be honest, by helping others. So I, I was lucky because I mostly faced positive reactions because many people were living with HIV or recently diagnosed and I helped many others that are struggling with their, you know, status, with their diagnosis. So, I mostly got positive reactions. And it was very empowering. But I must say, London makes a huge difference. I’m sure it wouldn’t be the same if I was in Turkey. In here I can openly or freely go in a corporate or into a school and share my status and people asking questions and that is a very positive thing ‘cause they ask and you reply and they learn something and you see their faces change as they… It changes like when you answer because they learn something new. Or you change their mind by sharing your own experience. There’s a huge positive experience, huge positive feedback for me. And they’re always supportive. They are always really nice to you. Even if they ask something that may sound rude but you know they’re asking because they don’t know it. But on the other hand, as a negative reaction. I can say, still, again, in London, it’s quite surprising in the UK, when in health sector there are doctors or health advisors or anyone working in the health sector actually, they don’t know much about HIV and my GP, when I first, after my diagnosis, when I went to get a flu jab, she asked me if I’m taking any regular medication, you know, and I shared my status and I said I’m on medication and she stepped back and she said: “There’s no such thing as undetectable.” And that nurse is working as a GP practitioner, in the middle of London and I was a bit challenging and interesting and I had to educate them in the moment. However, their reaction like putting double-gloves on is something negative you know? It’s kind of heartbreaking because you expect people working in the health sector’s, actually, you know, have that knowledge. But again, I believe, those peole were educated years ago and there wasn’t… HIV was different twenty years ago so I believe they were stuck in that moment and they didn’t have any refresher. But we are here now to refresh everyone’s memory and knowledge, to be honest. So that was the one negative experience that comes to my mind right now.

I will be really open and honest here, like no offence to anyone, but being gay is already difficult and I always struggled to find my place in the scene. I really struggled. I’m not good at the first interactions of going and introducing myself. And that’s always been a struggle in my life. And on top of that, HIV came. And it made it like, ultra, super-dooper difficult for me, because you’re always in your mind -. Of course, it’s not 100% like that right now but it was. It was taking a big part of my life before, because I always got worried. I can’t even meet or date a gay guy in normal times and I have to explain my HIV. When is a good time to share this? Or, is this guy serious with me? Should I really share, you know? That kind of thoughts obviously sometimes you feel like it’s too much hassle, too much work to do and you step back . And you prefer not to be in that environment, rather than be at home in your own environment. So, it is a bit challenging and in my, my… My friends all moved away but before I had a large group of friends here. Most of… Many of them are Turkish and it’s difficult to explain in the straight community that don’t have much information about HIV, so you have to get ready for a battle. Or, you have to get ready to fight to change their minds or answer their questions and… Sometimes it doesn’t happen. Sometimes you don’t want to get in there and do that. And their misconception, their lack of knowledge, you don’t, you don’t feel ready for it so of course I step back and, I shared I moved from London to Turkey, and it’s already difficult to keep a relationship from long-distance with your friends and when HIV happened I excluded myself from all my friend group thinking they would judge me, which cost me lots of friendships right now ‘cause none of my friends wanted to reconnect again. And that exclusion’s taking its toll right now. So, you know, yes, you exclude yourself. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not on purpose but it happens, you know.

I don’t want to sound wrong at this point because living with HIV normally shouldn’t change anyone else’s life rather than taking a medication and going on healthy in your life. Because I chose to help myself with being in the community, the HIV-community, that’s why it changed my life. Because I started to volunteer. After four years, I ended up working in the sector, so of course my living situation changed a lot. Before then, I was just a gay guy and working in places, and just, I don’t know, ‘having a ball’ would you say? But now obviously changed a lot, like, it always takes, because I’m working in the sector it takes almost 75% of my life, so, but again it doesn’t have to be like that. Not everyone living with HIV does that. We know there are thousands of people living with HIV but they don’t even, you know, they don’t have to change their lives. But my life changed because it was my self-help to myself. And I’m happy to do so because it made me much stronger and, like, fighting alongside with so many strong characters it just taught me so many things and I’m still learning. And my scope, my perspective to other things also changed. That’s why when COVID came around I wasn’t as anxious as I expected to be. And actually, you know, I was ready to help others with their anxiety as well. Or in normal life, when, you know, someone annoys you at work or something happens with your friends, you, your reactions changes because in my daytime job I’m facing those reactions in different ways so it changed my point-of-view, to be honest. So, yes, it changed how I live, it changed how I approach some things.

I just don’t want to say, I just don’t want to say… It’s really wrong when you say HIV makes me: no. HIV is something that lives with you but how much space it takes is in your hands. I just found this. I like to be in control of that situation and when you’re in control that makes you happy. You know, because it’s not controlling you, you are controlling it. And also again just, I told you, helping others, seeing people’s faces change in a positive way. I’m still thinking about it when I’m talking. Just that moments, it makes me laugh, it makes me happy. I think that, also, you feel … You feel yourself useful, somehow. I think everybody loves this sense of ‘what am I doing?’ Rather than go to work, making money, eating, sleeping. What else am I doing? I actually feel like I’m doing something, you know. So, that’s why I think I look very happy when I’m talking about it.

The first strike was friendships. I lost so many friends. Not because of HIV, but because I was far from them, and because this communication, this connection was lost. Because I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t reachable, I didn’t feel like I want to talk to anyone. And they thought that I don’t want to be friends anymore. And many of them didn’t want to reconnect. Or sometimes I felt like, because I came out second time with my HIV, and I felt like they would understand and then I tried to reach but I couldn’t get the reaction I expected. So, yeah, when it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen so yes, in that way it was a loss. But, I also made many friends ‘cause of HIV. Not because of thanks to HIV. Like, I started to volunteer, I met new people. They are really caring, they are really, you know, that community sense, it, it sometimes feels very very valuable. Someone checking on you, just thinking that you’re having a bad day, you know. And I had this after my diagnosis obviously. But also, again, in the relationship-wise, you know there is I feel myself lucky, this new TV series ‘It’s A Sin’ came out telling the stories from the ‘80s, we are lucky we are not dead. So I feel extremely lucky. And because we had lots of knowledge and improved science, for that, and also in the community everyone is aware of that. So, when, when, for example, if I want to hook up with someone, one-night stand whatever, when I if I want to share it then I share it. Most of the time, let’s say 80% of the time, the reaction is: “Oh, okay cool. I’m on PREP anyway.” Or, we are using condoms anyway. But of course there are some times actually I saw a guy, I told him I was undetectable, HIV-positive undetectable, and he run away faster than Road Runner. So Road Runner is actually really slow next to that guy, you know. Picking up his stuff and leaving, so, those moments, again, like, it doesn’t affect me like it affected me before that’s, that affects your relationships, you know. It teaches you something. And also it makes you angry, like, how can you be so blind? In a pool of knowledge around us, you know. Surrounds us. It’s a fact I can’t posit to you or why... Or why you are reacting like that or running away from me like I am spread of COVID to people, you know. But it’s just the same happens? But my friendships mostly get, got stronger. My friends also giving me feedbacks in how much stronger I got, ‘cause, yeah. When you face those kind of negative things, you just kinda, making… HIV also helped me to make my relationships stronger too, ‘cause my friends even telling me, giving me feedback, saying: “You actually became really strong, you really changed. Your approach changed. You’re enjoying the little moments in life more, rather than worrying.” I’m still kind of a worrier though, but, you know, but not as much as I was before so they feel much closer to me because I’ve been more open, more honest with everyone. I’m just saying well, I’m just quite, what else I can keep hidden from people anyway, you know? So they feel much closer to me, if I’m more sincere to them. But yeah, I enjoy their feedback anyway. But yeah, this is how it affect it.

Because I could never find my home I never felt like I belonged to somewhere, I didn’t have this sense of community much in my life. Like, if… Do you belong to a Turkish community? No. Do you belong to an LGBT community? Well I would say yes but many people label me as ‘not-gay-enough’. Or some people may say: “You are too gay.” You know, it’s just still, but… Do I want to? Yes, I want to. But there is always something. You move a lot, you have language barriers. You meet new people and you don’t understand what they’re talking about. After thirty years old, twenty-five years old, I think it’s a bit difficult to be a part of the community. Until, obviously I got diagnosed with HIV because then you see there are some communities, they are some conditions that actually doesn’t listen, doesn’t care age, doesn’t care sex, doesn’t care who you are,, what you do, what you eat, you know? It just doesn’t matter. So, and because everyone kind of walked through the same path, different experience, everyone knows or guess what you can think, what you are going through. So, it was a, it was an important moment for me. Like, after my diagnosis for six months I shut down. And then I reached out to my now really good best friend Andy and ask him to participate in Pride with them. And then I went there and that was the first time we met with Andy, actually, and he invited me and we went there and I saw all of the people living with HIV and having a totally normal life. I said: “Oh my god! This is what community, you know, should make you feel. Like, I think I belong here,” you say. That’s why, right now, when someone is recently diagnosed with HIV we recommend them to join those workshops to meet other people because when you are lonely you lost this, you lose that sense. And that, that I feel like this must be a community. This must be something that I haven’t felt much. Because my friends were mostly straight so I didn’t belong to that community as only gay guy you were always on the spotlight and not in always good way, and then, gay community I told you. That nation-wide, I’m an immigrant here, you know Brexit happened, how they are, you know, looking at you in certain areas, I don’t know. Let’s don’t go in there, but… Again, how, where can I feel myself at home? Like, where can I feel myself belong to a community? So, yes that, I still can’t give you the answer. ‘This is a community or not.’ But it must be the community, like, I can feel I belong to that. Even if I couldn’t find my home yet! I just kind of feel like I belong to somewhere. And because of my achievements and positive feedback and achievements and I see development for years and when you belong to a community I feel like you give something back and I feel like I’m giving something back. As much as I get from it. So I think this must be community, right? Yeah. Must be. Should be. But we’ll see. We’ll see.

For my personal experiences, lived experiences, kind of taught me that nowhere can be 100% safe. So, like, I will say life kind of taught me to protect myself even if there is nothing to protect of myself. To put my guards up all the time, just in case. So this is something I can’t 100% leave behind. So, I can’t say I’m feeling 100% safe in any environment. Even with your most-trusted friends... it doesn’t mean you don’t trust your friends. It feels like anything can go wrong in any minute and again I know this can happen to anyone at any time but for me, because of those guards always up, you know, it’s just sometimes it’s really difficult to let it go. And feeling safe is kind of the feeling I miss, actually. I think if I find my home or the people who makes a home, makes it home, I think that feeling will, will come back. The safe feeling will come back. But right now, too many changes, too many moves, so many peoples just left, went away. So, just new people I’m meeting every day that’s why… Everything is changing right now, you know. That’s why guards are still up but I hope, I really hope, and I really try, that I’m going to feel 100% safe at some point maybe in my home. In the community, maybe, but… Yes. It’s not the community, it’s not the definition of home, it’s the definition of me. And my experiences.

I love to be cheerful or happy, you know? If I had a chance I would be a party-girl. Like, this, this is how I would describe myself. But because of keeping, because of those safety-home feelings I always try to keep myself in a place where everything is balanced. But still if you ask many people... I would say very sarcastic, sometimes can be too much. Fun, you know… Loves to eat and loves to drink and please don’t let me mix drinks up. And passionate, I would say. If I want to do something I really go and do it, if you know what I mean. Again, I always go. But that how I would describe myself. But also I would say like, yes, I am one of those people that people come to and ask advice when they wanna buy new tech and gadget, or something. I kind of secretly happy about it, but… If you need anything, love, you always come to me, you know? You need a new recording device, or something? Just ask me. ‘Cause even if I don’t know, just, you know… Looking for it, researching makes me happy about tech.

You know how many devices looking at, listening to you? Like 1, 2, 3, 4. It’s just they’re all listening to you. So this is me, this is me, I’m very interested in it… But yeah, it’s just… I can be very emotional, easily. Like, just play me a song and I can find me something to cry about it. Well, you know, it’s just, yeah. I can go from high to low, low to high, so I can control that because I love to feel my feelings. I love to know my emotions and live in it. That is that. That is me. Like some food, drink, emotions? Passion? Yeah I can get everything you want.

The one thing I would add, like, what I learnt is, I know I’m just not that experienced maybe, not that old with lots of life experiences, but I think I been through a lot so I feel safe enough to say that… There’s… There are really, really dark times but unfortunately sometimes you have to find those times yourself. But, there are little sunshines, you know, just coming through somewhere. If you can just kinda make it to that point, everything can get a little bit easier, even in the most difficult situations. And it’s really interesting when it comes from me because I’m mostly, you know, feel very desperate when I’m having a difficulty at the moment, but, and at this point I learned the value of the friendships. It doesn’t mean that you have to have a family. It’s not the family you were born into, it’s the family you make along the way. And that family you make a long the way is really worth the friendships and those people who actually helps you to find this little sunlight, sunshine, in the darkness and holds your hand and pulls you up that way. They don’t necessarily carry you they just show you the way. Look there is a light. Having those one or two people in your life is really valuable. It, it worth a thousand people. You know, you don’t have to have lots of friends. I would love to have lots of friends. I lost lots of friends. But now, I value a lot those one or two or three, I dunno, people in your life, you know. They are very valuable. The point is just making the right choices when you add someone in your life. You know? It may change everything. So, yeah, that would be one thing. So don’t think you are alone. ‘Cause you know… You never know what’s going to happen, who’s going to come into your life and make it valuable for you. Yeah. That’s one experience I can share.